Saturday, February 20, 2010

The Pain Exchange

Lately my mind has been like a "phone bank," or whatever they used to call those places in the old days, where if you wanted to place a long-distance call, you got connected to an operator who'd talk to you, then plug your wire into a hole that connected you to either the person you were trying to call or to another such operator, who'd then connect you. Except, instead of connecting a call, it is like a phone bank of pain. I think a thought--that leads to a memory trace or to a group of associations to that idea. Those inevitably are plugged into the associated pain server. A massive feedback flood of pain rushes to my thalamus.

I instantly try to "hang-up," to disconnect literally, the thought that led to so much pain, way too much to stand. But it won't let me hang up! It won't let me disconnect. I am STUCK literally and figuratively with all this pain. So, then my mind goes on a logic-search--how to stop this process?--how to short-circuit this crappy pattern? First--how long has pattern been occurring? Well--at least since wait, likely since ~1998. In some form, since 1998 it has been going on, but it has grown much worse, much more intense since 2004, and likely worse since 2009.

To make matters more complicatedly agonizing, when it connects to the "pain-association cortex" areas, it also runs just a few side wires into holes that lead to.....of all things-----------pleasure. So, the things that bring pleasure also bring pain. But I am thinking these thoughts first and foremost to feel the associated good feelings--like the pleasure, the laughter, the happiness. What has happened to the associated emotional charges that are/were connected to my memories? How has it happened that memories that used to provoke only great positive associated emotions now--the same memories---when I try to cheer myself up--lead me further down the rabbit hole of agony?

It is like someone has gotten into my memory like a computer virus does to one's hard drive, and mucked with my thought/memory---feeling-associations and changed the ratios of good to bad and pleasure to pain.

How does one change these back? Any neurohackers out there know a way to put right the associations and feelings that are supposed to be matched with the thoughts?(PM me.) Do you have to know how to write "emotico-java?" The thing my mind naturally starts doing is to avoid the thoughts all-together--that is, its one and only log of what used to be known as "happy thoughts." It is avoiding all of those (its only source of pleasure) because they are now INCREASING pain instead of alleviating it. So, then the mind kicks back in and says "if happy thoughts-files have been corrupted, then you are fucked!----the best you can do is meditate. Have no thoughts." Thank God for it coming up with this idea. It appears now to be the only solace.